A few days ago, I was completely shocked. I was told something I had never been told before, had never stopped to think about before, would never have even remotely considered before.
I was being reprimanded (and rightly so) for my lack of ambition in the SCA. I have said before that I am a slacker. I tend to prefer things being done for me, rather than doing them myself. This is going to change. A lot of things are going to change. I have not been living up to my responsibilities, and my priorities have been out of whack. There were other things said that I don’t entirely remember, and other things that were said that I will be able to recall sixty years from now with perfect clarity.
“You are a leader.”
That was the essence of it. I could not believe it, and when it was told to my face, I sat back in stunned silence. The person telling me this continued: “I’ve seen you with your friends. You don’t follow them around. They follow you.”
The honor of the person telling me this is above suspicion. Deception is a concept foreign to them, and flattery is almost completely unknown to them. They were telling me what they believe to be the honest truth.
I’m not sure I entirely comprehend it, yet, and I’m not even sure if I fully believe it. Honest they may be, but perhaps also misguided, but then again, I doubt it.
I begin to question my personal motives. In all the daydreams of my life, in all of my romantic imagined scenes of my days, never have I even once entertained notions of being a leader. I’ve never wanted it. There’s too much responsibility that goes along with it for my taste. I have no desire for power over anyone or anything but my own life. I enjoy shooting and helping when and where I can, even going so far as to teach anyone who wants to learn whatever it is I can offer them… but not lead them. I’ve never imagined doing anything remotely resembling leadership. I’ve never been a role model before, or an example. I’ve always imagined myself as a soldier, not a commander, and I’ve been happy that way.
I suppose it’s good to question your beliefs every once in a while. It re-affirms what you believe and gets rid of the things you thought you believed in, but really don’t anymore. For sixteen years, I have been a student, a disciple, of “constant and never ending improvement.” But tonight I ask myself “Why?”
Why do I believe this? Why have I not abandoned this idea, or why has it not left me? Mostly, I think because I began to live by it in my youth. I was not even ten when I began to hear the initial teachings of this philosophy. Anyway, that’s one reason. I’m sure there are others, and they come to mind, but I don’t entirely feel like putting them all down tonight.
What I’m more concerned with right now is what I said earlier, about questioning beliefs. In short… “Why is everyone so obsessed with improvement?”
Isn’t there such a concept as being content, anymore? Can there be no time for leisure, for rest, for enjoyment in the status quo, the way things are? Is it human nature to always want more? I think there would be a heck of a lot less stress in the general world if people learned to let things be, that sometimes, there isn’t any improvement needed.
But then, I guess some things are just meant to be. Honestly, I hope they’re wrong. I enjoy the thought of being asked to do something because I’m trustworthy and capable (granted, something I need to work on). I never wanted to be a leader, and I’ve never asked for it… but that doesn’t mean I’ll dodge it.
For the first time in my life, I really begin to find myself open to the idea of a destiny outside the realm of romance. I’ve never believed in that kind of thing. I always thought a person’s life is what they make it, but of course, there’s always the delight of finding out what God wants you to do with your life… and then there’s this… part of you that you have no control over… sometimes, we can control what we learn… other times, we have no choice in the matter. A lesson is impressed upon our subconscious and we are changed because of it. Sometimes, it’s not even a lesson… It’s just something that’s given to you. Part of your character, I suppose. Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, I was saying that character is something that can be shaped by someone other than you… and it’s done for a reason.
I don’t know what it is. I know that my name means “Shining Fame” and I always assumed that meant I was destined to have many good friends. I know that for the first time, I am not entirely opposed to the idea of being a leader, even though I never ever would have seen it coming if someone else had not pointed it out to me. I know that should I not be asked to become a leader, I will be happy, but I also know that if I am asked to do so… I will not be alone and I will be equipped for it.
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Contentment is not the same thing as settling. I think you have your terms confused, to a certain degree. As Christians, we have the OBLIGATION to continually better ourselves in Christ. There's never a rest, never a time when we can look at ourselves and say, "Okay. I think I'm good now." I try to be content with what God is doing in my life, and that INCLUDES the bad times when I know I'm probably learning a lot but I'd really rather not be learning it this way, God. Being content is having the ability to face what comes knowing that you rest within the grace of our Lord, not leaning back on our elbows and enjoying the view. Think of contentment as being a ship that is anchored. It will be rocked by the waves and howled at by the wind, but it can't be shaken from its place in the sea.
I do think that you have the ability to be a leader. We've talked about this before. Romanticism CAN be incorporated into leadership, but you've got to step up to the plate. I've tried the encouragement thing with you, and you NEVER believe me. You constantly need reassurance about how people feel about you and about your ability to face the world. Whenever we've talked about adulthood, I have trouble speaking to you without you instantly yearning to go running off to the second star to the right and straight on until morning at the merest thought of taking responsibility for your life.
Bobby, I have every amount of faith in you, but that's not the point. My faith in you doesn't amount to a hill of beans if you don't have faith in yourself, faith in God, and faith in your ability to get up and get busy, honestly busy, not just introspectively busy. You can do this. You can pull your life out of this rut and beat the crap out of your depression and insecurities and go out there and be Percival. But it's not going to happen by magic.
True romanticism (as I've blogged about before) is born of several things: human suffering, rebirth, supernatural help, and a happy ending. You have the human suffering. Now is your chance for rebirth, a rebirth of how you see yourself and how you're going to serve God. Birth is never easy. It's an amazingly violent process, filled with pain, fear, and screams, but look at what it yields! You already have the supernatural help in our Savior. The happy ending is purely up to you. God's in control, but He gave us free will. He's not going to say, "Aw, you poor thing! You just sit there for a minute and I'll make everything bad go bye-bye." He will give you rest, but He also expects you to go out and (sorry) be the badass warrior that He made you to be when He was forming you in the secret places of the earth. As they say in Legally Blond, "You have all the equipment. You just need to read the manual."
Be a leader. Make yourself proud and make God proud, and the rest will follow. We love you, Bobby, and I pray for you daily. I know you can do this. But do you know that you can?
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