Ok, selfish rant. There, you've been warned. Usually, I enjoy knowing my posts have been read, but this time I really don't care whether it is or not. This just feels good to write.
I am many things. I'm an archer, an enthusiastic (if un-talented) actor, a pool player, a lackluster student, an eccentric musician, and a martial artist. And I'm a guy. This is significant because being a guy means having certain typical desires and mentalities. I'm also simple, or at least, I try to be. When life starts getting more complicated, it's harder for me to see the good times in it.
You know what else I am? I'm tired. I'm tired of all the challenges in my life being nothing but mental challenges, or challenges of maturity. I'm tired of having an enemy I can't wrap my hands around and beat because it's my enemy. "Be patient, Bobby. Mental challenges are more important." You know what else I'm tired of? Hearing that. I know it's true, but once, dear God, just once, not only would it be nice to have and overcome some kind of physical challenge, but also to let it have meaning and substance!
This is the 21st century, not some fairy tale. Fire breathing dragons don't exist. The only dragons that are real anymore are invisible, threatening to drive me absolutely crazy because in order to overcome them, I must first submit and bend to their rules, obeying them, no matter what they may ask of me. They also drive me nuts because as if this wasn't bad enough, they are unseen. There is no physical challenge to it! And once I succeed, what reward is there? A piece of sheepskin. Sure, what it symbolizes is enormously important for the rest of my life, and if I don't succeed, life is going to be a heck of a lot harder, longer, and stress laden...but it's still nothing but a piece of SHEEPSKIN! How did such a thing get to be so important, anyway? The writing on it, I suppose is what's more important, but you know, it just doesn't feel quite as satisfying.
I was a national champion, once. I was 17, and it was my last chance to win this title before I would have to step up and start competing against the 18-32 year olds. And you know something? I didn't just win that tournament. I took it by storm! Afterwards, my instructors said they had never seen me perform so well. Since I won the pattern part of it, when I faced off against the winner of the sparring part, they took his pattern score, subtracted it from my pattern score, then took that difference and doubled it, giving that number to me as a lead for this final match. There was no way he was going to win. He would have had to score 15 points in 2 minutes!
I don't care that I got a medal for it, and I don't care that I wear a jacket that now says "2000 National Champ" on the back. All I care about is that I fought and I won. I earned that title with nothing but my own body. I did not stop to think the entire match! All was instinct, trained reflex and God's blessing, and I LOVED it!
I felt invincible for weeks afterwards. But when school started back up again, the feeling faded, and why? Because in the real world, it didn't matter that I had just had my life's crowning, glorious achievement. I still had to make grades so I could graduate, get into college, get a degree so that I could get a job to earn money. My employers won't give a rat's rootie-patootie that I was once at the top of my game and could break four boards with a single blow. Four! That's the equivalent to a human skull, for crying out loud!
I hate it. I hate the fact that in this fallen world, even heroes have to bend to the ways of broken life. You know who I look up to? The people I want to emulate and be like? Not scholars, certainly, and DEFINITELY not intellectuals, theologians or philosophers. No, I look up to warriors! When I tried out for the Bartlett PD, you know what my eventual goal was? Not police chief or commissioner! SWAT team! Specifically, a sniper. I wanted to learn how to shoot well so that I could take down those people who wanted to hurt others, and do it well. And I still do!
I want to confront evil with a sword in my hand, not a book! I want to feel the edge of my blade biting deep and tearing it to pieces in righteous fury, not arguing it down in a debate! I want to yell my throat raw in a war cry lifted up to Heaven while my heart pounds in my ears and my feet dance in glorious combat! I SWEAR, there is NOTHING like it in the world!
:: sigh:: But it will never happen. I must resign myself to this. I begin to think now the closest I will ever get to real combat is in the SCA, and I think that with time, I can learn to live with that.
I am many things. I am also glad I wrote this. Now, maybe I can get back to living life and recognizing it for what it is...and learning to enjoy it.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Updates
Well, I have a lot to blog about again. For those of you who have not yet heard, my father's mother died recently, and I am in New Mexico for the services. The way I hear it, everyone's been doing pretty well, though I can't imagine how my grandfather is coping.
From all the pictures I've seen, and the way my father, aunts and uncles talk about them, my grandparents were so very deeply, passionately in love with each other. They have a wonderful story, and I wish I knew more than the fact that they married when he was 21 and she was 19, fresh out of high school. They had five children together. My uncle Dick, my aunt Pat, my father, and my aunts, Sally and Leesa. Now, Dick has a son, Tommy, Pat has a son named Ben (who also has a son) and two daughters, Megan, (who has two sons, Danny and Tyler) and Elise (who has a son named Aden and two stepdaughters). My father has my brother and me, Sally has a son named Jesse and a daughter named Melanie, and Leesa has two daughters, Joanne and Sarah.
It's good to see all of them again, especially so soon after the last time I saw them back in March. We'll sit and talk, and go through all the old photos and reminisce.
Went to Crown List, last weekend, too. Sir Havordh won...again. This will be the third time he's been king of Gleann Abhann alone. He's been king of Atlantia, too. Hopefully, this will be his last time. Don't get me wrong, I like him, and all, but there are others I like also, who I think would do very well on the throne, like Sir Elazar, whose squire Ashi was just informed that he will be knighted soon.
I didn't do much, this event. I watched, and I talked, and I helped where I could, but everything was already so well taken care of. I did get to do a bit of drumming, though, and I've missed that.
Oh, I almost forgot. The reason for the new picture is that being out here means being roughly 400 miles closer to Lanelle. I'm hoping to convince my parents to let me borrow the Yukon and spend a few nights with her and her parents, especially since we'll be staying here more than a week, unlike last time.
At the moment, my lady is troubled, and I would ask for prayer on her behalf as well as mine. Thank you, everyone, for keeping us in your thoughts.
I'll be posting more later, but it might be a bit angsty, and the pic might change, too, so maybe I should save it for tomorrow. In the meantime, God bless.
From all the pictures I've seen, and the way my father, aunts and uncles talk about them, my grandparents were so very deeply, passionately in love with each other. They have a wonderful story, and I wish I knew more than the fact that they married when he was 21 and she was 19, fresh out of high school. They had five children together. My uncle Dick, my aunt Pat, my father, and my aunts, Sally and Leesa. Now, Dick has a son, Tommy, Pat has a son named Ben (who also has a son) and two daughters, Megan, (who has two sons, Danny and Tyler) and Elise (who has a son named Aden and two stepdaughters). My father has my brother and me, Sally has a son named Jesse and a daughter named Melanie, and Leesa has two daughters, Joanne and Sarah.
It's good to see all of them again, especially so soon after the last time I saw them back in March. We'll sit and talk, and go through all the old photos and reminisce.
Went to Crown List, last weekend, too. Sir Havordh won...again. This will be the third time he's been king of Gleann Abhann alone. He's been king of Atlantia, too. Hopefully, this will be his last time. Don't get me wrong, I like him, and all, but there are others I like also, who I think would do very well on the throne, like Sir Elazar, whose squire Ashi was just informed that he will be knighted soon.
I didn't do much, this event. I watched, and I talked, and I helped where I could, but everything was already so well taken care of. I did get to do a bit of drumming, though, and I've missed that.
Oh, I almost forgot. The reason for the new picture is that being out here means being roughly 400 miles closer to Lanelle. I'm hoping to convince my parents to let me borrow the Yukon and spend a few nights with her and her parents, especially since we'll be staying here more than a week, unlike last time.
At the moment, my lady is troubled, and I would ask for prayer on her behalf as well as mine. Thank you, everyone, for keeping us in your thoughts.
I'll be posting more later, but it might be a bit angsty, and the pic might change, too, so maybe I should save it for tomorrow. In the meantime, God bless.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Frustration in Paradise
::sigh:: Well, thanks to the people who actually responded. By this point, I've got too much to blog about to not continue, so I will...continue, that is.
Firstly, the Barony of Grey Niche (Memphis) had it's annual event called Beltaine last weekend, and it was lots of fun. It was a brand new site out in the middle of the woods, which was perfect. The only drawbacks were that the kitchen was miniscule and there were no cabins. Neither were problems for me or Billy, since we daytripped and ate with Uther and Kenna's household. Dave and K.C. actually stopped by and had fun, too. There were lots of tournaments, including archery, in which I won a matched pair of tooled leather bracers. I'm gonna have to show them off sometime. Uther finally won the Silver Torc Tournament, which he's been trying to win for the past 15 years, and he and one of his good friends, Ashi, are now qualified for the annual Tournament of Champions. In court, Baron Dulinn "died" and was succeeded by the new baron and baroness, my friends Mahsheed and Dagan.
The next week was the last of my finals! Thank God, only a year left. On Thursday, Dad and I left for Clarksville for the Tennessee Classic shoot, sponsored by the Twin Oaks archery club. The land it's on is amazing. Nothing but one big, giant forest with hills and small mountains, a few fields, and large creek. I was in heaven for days! At the shoot, they also have what's called the Selfbow Challenge. You register for it, buy a stave, find a guide to teach you how to make a bow, and compete with it when you finish. I bought a stave last year, but didn't finish it, so I brought it back this year. Unfortunately, I took off too much wood in certain places, and now my bow has a bad hinge, which really can't be fixed unless I'm willing to turn it into a kid's bow, which I might do. It was very frustrating, though, and there were several points when I just wanted to chuck the whole thing into the campfire. On the up side, I did learn some cool tricks about stringmaking, which will come in really handy, especially since Dad bought some string for us to practice on. I also learned some cool methods of making fire without matches. I know, I know, standard Boy Scout stuff, but it was still lots of fun. There were flint-knappers, merchants and vendors, good food, great people, long walks, sweet shots and fun conversations.
The one problem I had with this weekend was with myself. I find myself utterly frustrated. I should have shot much MUCH better than I did, but most of it had to do with my bowstring. I was getting worried that it was beginning to fray, and I didn't want it to snap on me, so I switched it out for a bowstring I had made, and immediately and instantly shot like hell. Before I switched strings, I was able to pick a spot no bigger than a half dollar and consistently hit it from twenty yards. Now, I'm lucky to hit a pie plate from there. First I started getting arrow-porpoise, so I raised my nocking-point like a good little thinker, but now I've got arrow-fishtail! I know it's not my brace height, and I really don't think I'm shooting differently. I have absolutely no idea why my shooting has gone to pot. It's downright infuriating, and I find myself burning with a slow simmering anger that's not good for me.
Lanelle and I had a long conversation Friday night, too. We basically talked out the fact that we realized that we've gotten distracted with each other. Our focuses have not been God, and we need to change it, so we kicked around a few ideas and eventually settled on her idea to go a week being just friends. Let me say this emphatically: We're not breaking up or going separate ways! This idea/experiment is designed to remind us that we are supposed to be pushing each other towards God. The fact that we come closer together in the process is a pleasant by-product.
Like I said earlier, I'm angry with myself tonight. I should never have lost focus of my goal of pushing Lanelle closer to God, and I should never have goten so sidetracked with myself...and my archery, my passionate pastime, is suffering, and I don't know why. I'll go and see Ty later in the week, but until then, I guess I've got some soul-searching to do.
Please pray for me.
Firstly, the Barony of Grey Niche (Memphis) had it's annual event called Beltaine last weekend, and it was lots of fun. It was a brand new site out in the middle of the woods, which was perfect. The only drawbacks were that the kitchen was miniscule and there were no cabins. Neither were problems for me or Billy, since we daytripped and ate with Uther and Kenna's household. Dave and K.C. actually stopped by and had fun, too. There were lots of tournaments, including archery, in which I won a matched pair of tooled leather bracers. I'm gonna have to show them off sometime. Uther finally won the Silver Torc Tournament, which he's been trying to win for the past 15 years, and he and one of his good friends, Ashi, are now qualified for the annual Tournament of Champions. In court, Baron Dulinn "died" and was succeeded by the new baron and baroness, my friends Mahsheed and Dagan.
The next week was the last of my finals! Thank God, only a year left. On Thursday, Dad and I left for Clarksville for the Tennessee Classic shoot, sponsored by the Twin Oaks archery club. The land it's on is amazing. Nothing but one big, giant forest with hills and small mountains, a few fields, and large creek. I was in heaven for days! At the shoot, they also have what's called the Selfbow Challenge. You register for it, buy a stave, find a guide to teach you how to make a bow, and compete with it when you finish. I bought a stave last year, but didn't finish it, so I brought it back this year. Unfortunately, I took off too much wood in certain places, and now my bow has a bad hinge, which really can't be fixed unless I'm willing to turn it into a kid's bow, which I might do. It was very frustrating, though, and there were several points when I just wanted to chuck the whole thing into the campfire. On the up side, I did learn some cool tricks about stringmaking, which will come in really handy, especially since Dad bought some string for us to practice on. I also learned some cool methods of making fire without matches. I know, I know, standard Boy Scout stuff, but it was still lots of fun. There were flint-knappers, merchants and vendors, good food, great people, long walks, sweet shots and fun conversations.
The one problem I had with this weekend was with myself. I find myself utterly frustrated. I should have shot much MUCH better than I did, but most of it had to do with my bowstring. I was getting worried that it was beginning to fray, and I didn't want it to snap on me, so I switched it out for a bowstring I had made, and immediately and instantly shot like hell. Before I switched strings, I was able to pick a spot no bigger than a half dollar and consistently hit it from twenty yards. Now, I'm lucky to hit a pie plate from there. First I started getting arrow-porpoise, so I raised my nocking-point like a good little thinker, but now I've got arrow-fishtail! I know it's not my brace height, and I really don't think I'm shooting differently. I have absolutely no idea why my shooting has gone to pot. It's downright infuriating, and I find myself burning with a slow simmering anger that's not good for me.
Lanelle and I had a long conversation Friday night, too. We basically talked out the fact that we realized that we've gotten distracted with each other. Our focuses have not been God, and we need to change it, so we kicked around a few ideas and eventually settled on her idea to go a week being just friends. Let me say this emphatically: We're not breaking up or going separate ways! This idea/experiment is designed to remind us that we are supposed to be pushing each other towards God. The fact that we come closer together in the process is a pleasant by-product.
Like I said earlier, I'm angry with myself tonight. I should never have lost focus of my goal of pushing Lanelle closer to God, and I should never have goten so sidetracked with myself...and my archery, my passionate pastime, is suffering, and I don't know why. I'll go and see Ty later in the week, but until then, I guess I've got some soul-searching to do.
Please pray for me.
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