Ok, so I'm in one of my more depressed states of mind tonight. Probably because my grades are suffering horribly, and I only have three of them. It's terrible. I've never felt this low, nor do I think I have ever really done this badly.
I think I nailed down what my problem might be, though, and that's something, but it's something for which I'm afraid I'll need a lot of help, and a lot of time to get past. I hate school and always have, that's no secret. Now I think I understand why: no matter how hard the work, no matter how early I turn it in, or how much I get done, or how high the grade...I have never felt a single sense of accomplishment for it. I remember the idea of straight A's. My heart never swelled with pride for it, on the exceedingly rare occasions when I did get it. I turn in a ten page research paper, get an A+, and my professor writes in "One of the best I've read" and I don't feel any different about it. I hate it. I don't know why! Why can't I feel satisfaction at well done academia? Isn't it something to be proud of?! I really can't understand why it is that I feel no different about getting good grades than getting passing ones.
I want to change. I've got to change. If I don't, this is going to ruin my life. What kind of person am I? What have I become? A lazy History geek who can't dig inside himself and find the heart to do the work that is necessary? No, I can fight it...but I think it would be a lot easier, and more satisfying if I could feel the pride that goes along with a job well done. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I have my whole life. Someone? Please...?
Help me...
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2 comments:
Poor Bobby. We all feel this way sometimes, although I suffer from an overly-high sense of pride about my grades. I cry if I get a B on a paper. I know it's hard to push through something you hate, but do try to remember that once you're done, you're done. Then you can get whatever kind of a job you'd ENJOY doing, and school would be behind you. I'm praying for you, and I know you're trying to do the right thing.
Bobby: I'm not sure why you don't feel a sense of pride. I'll ponder on it and we'll talk!!!
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