Balance

Yes, the picture changed again. This doesn't mean my attitudes or beliefs have changed. It's just to reflect the subject matter discussed in the post.

It's about balance this time; balance in life, that is. I'm a person of emotional extremes. I've talked about all of them often enough, whether in real life or on this blog; you know, the times of "I hate this world, I wanna go away, live in the forest as a hermit the rest of my life!" But then of course, I get to that point and remember what I was, and what I hoped to be: that glorious, shining example of knighthood, and I think to myself "Maybe I can still get there." My friends and family are always my most help during these times. They coax me back out of the forest so that I can get back to living life the way it should be lived. And then there are also the times of frivolous carelessness, when I get carried away with the giddiness of life and all its joys, which is a wonderful thing!

But I need to learn moderation. In all things, there must be an equilibrium.

So. The Hunter, the Knight and the Jester combine into one person: me! But then, there are probably a lot more aspects to me that could be pointed out and personified. Anyone care to share? I enjoy learning new things about myself, whether they be good or bad. Don't be shy!

P.S. The picture is one of a series my friend took out at my place. I tried to make the shots as period as possible, including my clothing and equipment. The tunic is brand new, and is bar-none the most period piece of clothing I've got. It's wool, and the style dates back to Europe in the early 13th century. Most of my other equipment is a hodge-podge collection from different people, but no less period (except that my bow is made of osage, a purely New World material; but it's still an English longbow, whose design dates back to before the Crusades). I didn't have any period gloves, so I thought it better to shoot without them, rather than have glaring anachronisms thrown in there. The rest of the pics taken that day (as well as many more!) can be found here: http://archeroftoday.deviantart.com/gallery/

Stand

I never thought the holidays could be considered days of industry. I always thought of them as times of frantic shopping, planning, partying and church preparation. This past SCA event, Christmas Revel, was a lot of fun, and it seems to have left me with a sense of production.

My friend Uther was rewarded for the fact that the appearance of his hard kit (his fighting gear) has been getting more and more accurate to his time period (the late 1100's). He now fights in a German Crusader-era helm and a padded gambeson. All the rest of his protective armor is covered. When he fights, he looks as if he just stepped off the pages of an illuminated manuscript!

His family has done a heck of a lot for me, so I'm trying to put a lot of thought into their Christmas presents. Of course, most of that wouldn't be anything bought, but a lot of things made. It's interesting. I've never made this much for people before.

What is it that happens in the mind when one is inspired? What trigger is pulled that makes one want to do more, greater, better things? Is it some sort of chemical reaction? I doubt it. I think that's the difference between lust and love. One is entirely shallow, the other is deep and lasting.

I've never made a New Year's resolution before. There are too many things in my head that can change for the better. Where should I start? At first, the superficial: developing the better looking armor for my period and making lots of other things (since I am an apprentice, after all). Then there are the deeper changes. I'll be going back to school soon. I'm still an assistant instructor in martial arts, and I might even be taking on some private students of my own, too.

I'm uncertain about what I'll be going up against next semester, besides classes and my own psyche. School (not lessons or learning) has always been my enemy, hated and despised, but it is all but conquered. Only three semesters left, God willing.

I've already talked about personal changes in my last post. I think of this one as an affirmation... that, and I just had to find an excuse to put up the new pic I found! Yeah, he's a Hospitaller, not a Templar, and the armor's a bit late for me, and there are too many straps on him... but it's still cool. I had to remove the title and description of my blog because it obscured his head. When I change the pic, they'll go back up.

Who shall I become?

A few days ago, I was completely shocked. I was told something I had never been told before, had never stopped to think about before, would never have even remotely considered before.

I was being reprimanded (and rightly so) for my lack of ambition in the SCA. I have said before that I am a slacker. I tend to prefer things being done for me, rather than doing them myself. This is going to change. A lot of things are going to change. I have not been living up to my responsibilities, and my priorities have been out of whack. There were other things said that I don’t entirely remember, and other things that were said that I will be able to recall sixty years from now with perfect clarity.

“You are a leader.”

That was the essence of it. I could not believe it, and when it was told to my face, I sat back in stunned silence. The person telling me this continued: “I’ve seen you with your friends. You don’t follow them around. They follow you.”

The honor of the person telling me this is above suspicion. Deception is a concept foreign to them, and flattery is almost completely unknown to them. They were telling me what they believe to be the honest truth.

I’m not sure I entirely comprehend it, yet, and I’m not even sure if I fully believe it. Honest they may be, but perhaps also misguided, but then again, I doubt it.

I begin to question my personal motives. In all the daydreams of my life, in all of my romantic imagined scenes of my days, never have I even once entertained notions of being a leader. I’ve never wanted it. There’s too much responsibility that goes along with it for my taste. I have no desire for power over anyone or anything but my own life. I enjoy shooting and helping when and where I can, even going so far as to teach anyone who wants to learn whatever it is I can offer them… but not lead them. I’ve never imagined doing anything remotely resembling leadership. I’ve never been a role model before, or an example. I’ve always imagined myself as a soldier, not a commander, and I’ve been happy that way.

I suppose it’s good to question your beliefs every once in a while. It re-affirms what you believe and gets rid of the things you thought you believed in, but really don’t anymore. For sixteen years, I have been a student, a disciple, of “constant and never ending improvement.” But tonight I ask myself “Why?”

Why do I believe this? Why have I not abandoned this idea, or why has it not left me? Mostly, I think because I began to live by it in my youth. I was not even ten when I began to hear the initial teachings of this philosophy. Anyway, that’s one reason. I’m sure there are others, and they come to mind, but I don’t entirely feel like putting them all down tonight.

What I’m more concerned with right now is what I said earlier, about questioning beliefs. In short… “Why is everyone so obsessed with improvement?”

Isn’t there such a concept as being content, anymore? Can there be no time for leisure, for rest, for enjoyment in the status quo, the way things are? Is it human nature to always want more? I think there would be a heck of a lot less stress in the general world if people learned to let things be, that sometimes, there isn’t any improvement needed.

But then, I guess some things are just meant to be. Honestly, I hope they’re wrong. I enjoy the thought of being asked to do something because I’m trustworthy and capable (granted, something I need to work on). I never wanted to be a leader, and I’ve never asked for it… but that doesn’t mean I’ll dodge it.

For the first time in my life, I really begin to find myself open to the idea of a destiny outside the realm of romance. I’ve never believed in that kind of thing. I always thought a person’s life is what they make it, but of course, there’s always the delight of finding out what God wants you to do with your life… and then there’s this… part of you that you have no control over… sometimes, we can control what we learn… other times, we have no choice in the matter. A lesson is impressed upon our subconscious and we are changed because of it. Sometimes, it’s not even a lesson… It’s just something that’s given to you. Part of your character, I suppose. Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, I was saying that character is something that can be shaped by someone other than you… and it’s done for a reason.

I don’t know what it is. I know that my name means “Shining Fame” and I always assumed that meant I was destined to have many good friends. I know that for the first time, I am not entirely opposed to the idea of being a leader, even though I never ever would have seen it coming if someone else had not pointed it out to me. I know that should I not be asked to become a leader, I will be happy, but I also know that if I am asked to do so… I will not be alone and I will be equipped for it.

U.S.C.S.F.

I've never done well when learning something under pressure... but there are SO many things out there I would LOVE to learn, but apparently, the only way to learn them is to subject oneself to the arduous journey that is boot camp.

I speak of the military arts. Now let me be clear, these are not the same as martial arts. Although they are combative, the intent of martial arts may not be purely so. Many practice some martial art or other for a variety of reasons; exercises to develop things like speed, stamina, strength, flexibility and coordination, or perhaps they wish to use martial arts as a spiritual journey that delves deeper into one's own personal psyche. Whatever the case may be, they are only one of the many assets that are employed by the Armed Forces.

I have been fascinated by our military for some time now, and if I felt called to it, I would join it in a heartbeat. As a matter of fact, one of my friends is already in the Army, and my best friend is going to join the Coast Guard at the first chance he gets, and he's invited me to go with him. I'm considering it. I've never liked the thought of boot camp. I don't mind being told what to do, and I would love what I was being taught; it's the way they teach me that would grate on my nerves. Having said that, I can still understand why they teach the way they do. If you can't handle Basic Training, there's no WAY you'll make it in an armed conflict. But still, I like the thought of having a friend there to bear it with me. I made the decision earlier this year that if I graduate and still have made no headway in finding out where I belong in life, I will be joining the National Guard. Unfortunately, that can only be a part-time engagement, and it's not enough to make a career out of. When my buddy asked me if I'd like to go with him, I told him I'm not at home in water the way I am on land. He's the fish, not me... then I found out about the diversity of the Coast Guard. Did you know that even they employ snipers?!

THIS would be me getting back to the original topic of conversation. I've been a martial artist for 16 years. I can fight unarmed and armed with knives, which I can also throw. I have received training in wielding a handgun which I plan on expanding. I am experienced in moving quickly and quietly over many obstacles when I must. I have also been told I'm a good listener (remember this point, it comes back later).

Now here's what I would LIKE to learn: how to properly apply camouflage face paint. How to shoot well at long distances, which means being able to adjust for things like wind, elevation and humidity. How to clear a building, whether alone or with partners. How to notice key elements in one's surroundings, like who's carrying a weapon, if they know how to use it to its maximum potential, and if threatened, how I can neutralize it. How to outsmart someone I am pursuing, or someone pursuing me. How to negotiate with someone who has a gun pressed against his head, or that of another's (remember that point about being a good listener?). How to silently communicate with someone across the room.

Now all of these and MANY more way cool things can be learned at academies for people who eventually become soldiers, Marines, SEALS, Green Berets, Rangers, FBI agents or SWAT team members. Which is great!... but what about us folks who may not be up to some of the other challenges of boot camp?

I'm not saying I'm not up to the challenge, and I'm not trying to make excuses for not joining up. I'm simply wondering how one goes about learning these kinds of things if one's plans do not include a career in the Armed Forces...

I've had this little thought picking at my mind for a little while, now, and I like the thought, even though it's probably HIGHLY impractical, but there are some logical points to it. I believe that as many people as possible should learn how to handle themselves in a worst-case scenario, whether that be a purse-snatching to attempted rape or even murder. Here are three scenarios (granted, one is MUCH less realistic than the others) which illustrate my points:

A man walks into the grocery store and either does not notice or chooses to ignore the two dark figures lounging at the corner of the building smoking cigarrettes and watching him. Ten minutes later, the man exits the grocery store with his hands full of bags and does not see the two men follow him to his car and grab him from behind, stabbing him swiftly in the back before he can cry out. They lay him down between the cars, snatch his wallet, stand, and WALK away, knowing that running would only attract attention.

That scenario was told to me by Tom Givens, the man who taught my concealed-carry permit class, and it illustrates that ultimately, the best weapon is nothing anyone can see, but your own mindset. Now these other scenarios are a bit more triumphant.

On your very stereotypical dark and stormy evening, a woman is alone in her home when the electricity blinks out. Eh, no biggie, just a power outage in a storm, happens all the time... but then she looks out her window and notices that every other house on the street is still lit up like a Christmas tree. Curious, she picks up her phone to call the power company or a neighbor, but the phone is dead, too... then the doorbell rings. She has two options: One, go to the door and see who it is. Two, ignore the doorbell by pretending no one is home whilst making sure her cell phone is charged. Let's say she's a clever girl and decides not to go to the door. It's a good choice, considering the house caller has now broken the glass of a nearby window and is now crawling inside. Now the woman's choice is very clear. Make for the bedroom, close the door, and shoulder the shotgun whilst standing far enough away to let the door swing open before she pulls the trigger.

(This last scenario is the really un-realistic one, but still possible... and it's my blog, and I enjoy writing this kind of thing anyway, so deal!)

You've been blessed with a beautiful home with an even more beautiful lawn that sweeps from the street about 100 yards to your front door. Your bedroom boasts a window balcony with a genuine first class view of said front lawn and street, as well as the house directly across from you, inhabited by a very charming young man who has had the sad misfortune of dating a woman with a history of violent obsession, and has not taken her medication in quite some time. One fine Saturday morning, you wake and pull yourself out of bed to find a dazzling sunshine beaming down on a horrific scene. Across the street, you can see your nieghbor, still clad in a fuzzy robe and slippers bending down to retrieve his newspaper, when all of a sudden, PsychoLady runs up to him, apparently screaming obscenities because of his recent break up with her. Before the man can even raise his head in surprise, she clouts him over the head with a Louisville Slugger and appears to have every intention of having at him whilst he is incapacitated. Now YOU are the one with a choice. You could call the police. You could even conceivably jump off the balcony, and assuming you broke nothing, could start tearing like a shot towards them to do something heroic. You could also go back to bed, and when the police finally arrive, you can lie, telling them you never saw a thing, which they could not possibly disprove... or, you can reach for the .308 Winchester, rest it on the balcony, settle the cross-hairs, taking into account 100 yards- no, wait, they're across the street, so make it 110 yards (give or take a few feet) with a slight cross-breeze, and squeeze the trigger.

...I seem to have gotten long-winded and seemingly paranoid about this subject. I apologize. I am in no way an extremist or a vigilante. I do, however, possess an over-active imagination and a desire to learn certain things.

Anyway, the upshot and point of all of this is where the people in these scenarios could get the kind of training that would save their own lives or those of others without having to leave their families, friends and careers behind, or having to be yelled down by drill instructors. Just because people don't want to go into battle doesn't mean they don't want the knowledge.

I call it U.S.C.S.F.
United States Civilian Special Forces

I just know I'm going to get a heck of a lot of criticism for this, but you know what... I don't mind, this time. What are your thoughts? Am I crazy? Off my rocker? The deep end? Call the men in white lab coats?... Am I making anyone nervous? I'll be waiting!

My Heart

First, I want to say "Thank you." I had no idea what to expect when I made that last post after such a long silence, but the response from people I love so much was amazing. I love you guys.

Tonight, I sit here forlorn in front of the TV finding even Home Improvement and MASH unable to cure my blues. I never thought it would get to THAT point. Somehow, the mishaps on Tool Time and 4077 have never failed to bring a smile, and they've been my televisionic(?) home away from home.

God, it feels good to rant. I am struck this evening at the incredible range of emotions within the human heart. How is it that this thing pumping life-giving blood throughout the entire expanse of our incredible body is also the symbol of two such drastically contrasting and opposed feelings?

One feeling is marvelously beneficial! It reduces stress and leads to activities such as laughter, which increases the blood flow throughout the human system. The incredible physiological relief a smile makes is well-nigh unimaginable, to say nothing of the heavenly thrill, the gloriously gorgeous, most satisfying, most pleasing, most perfectly passionate feeling the human heart can experience... true love...

In many ways, it is even more than just a feeling... it is the lifeblood of cultures, the muse of poets, storytellers and musicians. Men and women throughout History have yearned for it, reveled in it and ultimately even died for want of it. Wars have been waged over it, the weak, penniless and pitiful have become great only when inspired by it and royalty has fallen because of it. It is the sweet fruit of love that has enticed the entire human race since God created Eve, and once tasted, never truly fades away. Its lingering tang can still be experienced by the heart for decades after the first bittersweet jolt of Cupid's arrow has surged through the body...

And so it is thus that only after such unreachable heights have been attained that unprecedented falls can be happened upon. The higher one goes, the farther one falls. I must apologize for this continuing vein of topic, but I guess I just haven't finished falling yet.

God, I never thought I could feel such things in my life! It was all so unutterably, tenderly... crystal clear! It was like floating on a Summer's twilight atop a pool of purest water, as smooth as glass...

Shattered. That's what this is, or at least, it's what it feels like. I'm not broken. I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere... but I feel like a window smashed through with a brick, and the glass is still falling. Maybe once it's done I can start picking up the pieces again... but I doubt my heart will ever be the same.

But then... there's always hope, isn't there?

The way I see it, there are two things I can hope for: I can hope to get past this feeling quickly and be thankful for having experienced it, or I can hope for things to turn around, or to even learn from my mistakes and experiences and turn them around myself, and make things be the way they always should have been.

Story of my life: Hope Springs Eternal. Only time will be able to tell what's going to happen.

Pain, Changes and Beliefs

::sigh:: So much change in such a long time, and not all of it very good at all.

I'm sorry for not posting in a really long time, but right now, I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life. There is actually more than one contributing factor to that, and I'm not going to go into them all. Suffice it to say that at the moment, the world seems a dark, gloomy place, and the weather isn't helping. I hate winter. The cold is bitter, and everything I love in nature seems to die in front of me. All the gorgeous green fades away, and my most beloved places in the world, the forests, are left desolate and bare, seemingly devoid of any life at all, painfully unable to lift me up, away from my cares and woes.

This pain I feel at the moment might not be so bad if I'd experienced it at some point or another in my life, but nothing's ever really prepared me for something like this. It might not be so bad either if it would actually stop! The event which caused most of this happened months ago, and I would have thought that some kind of progress might have been made by now, and I suppose some has, but it still keeps me up at night, and I hate it.

I want things to go back to the way they used to be, even though I think I can understand why they changed... but things can change again, can't they? People learn from the pains and experiences in their lives, and they grow into better people.

Not everything recently has been bad experience. I was a traveling salesman in The Music Man when it came to the Harrell Theater in Collierville, and that was lots of fun. I plan on doing more theater in the future, and maybe even looking around for an agent somewhere.

My taekwondo instructor asked me when I was testing for my fourth degree. When I said I didn't know, he said he wanted me to test in March. I said "Yes, sir" and commented that I suppose I'd gotten complacent with where I was in my career with taekwondo, to which my instructor looked at me and said "Constant and Never Ending Improvement." This motto is the core, the very foundation of our taekwondo federation, and it convicted me pretty hard.

When it comes down to it, I'm a slacker. It's reflected in practically everything I do. There's almost no such thing as consistency in my life. I don't practice anything regularly, my study habits have never been good, I've never completed any personal projects I can think of, and my moods and actions are at best, erratic.

But all that can change, too. I guess I needed some kind of goal, or maybe I was just looking for something to do, but I've started working out again, and it feels good to realize how much I haven't forgotten, and to simply try and imagine how much more I could be capable of.

In this randomly traveled path I walk in trying to improve myself (however roundabout my route may be) I have taken the courses and acuired a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Many people will ask why, and even after I explain my reasons, many will still not understand, and that's ok, as long as no one tries to convince me to change my mind about it.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not paranoid or in fear for my life from anyone specific. I am simply exercising my Second Amendment right to bear arms. This world is broken and dangerous, and there are only three kinds of people in it. Most people are sheep, defenseless, oblivious and perfectly content to keep going from blade of grass to blade of grass. They are preyed upon by the wolves who seek out an easy meal at the expense of life. These wolves are why there must be the sheepdogs. They may not be able to protect the entire flock, but they are certainly formidable and will defend themselves and others at whatever cost.

Many people believe that the police are our sheepdogs, but it is not true. The police are purely a rectionary force. They are not called to any crime scene until there is a crime committed, and that could take a lethally long time. I plan on preventing something from happening for the police to investigate and becoming another statistic.

THAT is what this is all about. Ironically, the very heart of every martial art in the world is the concept of defense. These days, the gun is the new sword. Only the weapons of warriors have changed through the ages, not the mindset. "The idea is not to hurt your enemy, but to stop them from hurting you" whatever that may take, and sadly, that sometimes means taking their life to save your own or that of another.

I am not a murderer. I do not want to kill another human being, and I will do whatever I can to avoid it, but if I must, I will not shy from pulling the trigger to save my own life or the life of someone I love.

I can sit here and type out so very many horror stories that could have been stopped had the victim had a weapon, or even stories where the victims came out on top, or I could spell out the figures that cite the verifiable fact that when citizens are armed, violent crime rates drop like proverbial rocks, but the upshot of the whole thing is that people understand why I carry a weapon and am not afraid to use it if I have to, even though I hope I never do.

I see the right to keep and bear arms as more than just a privilege: it's a responsibility. Our Constitution is stained with the blood of men who died to defend the ideas written there, the very cornerstone of our country, the foundation of which is NOT religion, but nothing less than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Cornerstones are just that: stone. They are inflexible, unyielding and unchangeable, or at least they should be. To seek the alteration of what those men died for is to mock their memory and belittle their sacrifice.

I may not be a warrior, but I am a fighter, and I may not be a soldier, but I am a patriot of what is undoubtedly the greatest nation on Earth, probably the greatest nation the world has ever seen. We are stronger, freer, and better people than any others in History, and that is because of our roots. I wear this weapon as a symbol of what I believe and as a tribute to the men from whom we are descended, whose legacy lives and even thrives today in the hearts of those who take the time to learn where we come from and honor it.

God bless, there's a lot of other stuff going through my head right now, but I'm glad to have written this much, and appreciate the time you've taken to read it all. I feel better, now. Drop me a line to let me know that people are still glancing here every now and then, if you don't mind.

Thanks again.

Chasin' Dem Dreams

Before anyone accuses me of taking those arrows and sticking them in the target by hand, I will swear here and now that all six of those shafts were shot at a measured distance of twenty yards in less than thirty seconds.

I stopped by Ty's place to practice yesterday, expecting to not perform as well as would like to, and I surprised myself. If I had done that well at a competition I recently attended, I would have walked away with the prizes easily! Instead, I find that my mistake was that I over-concentrated and was nowhere near relaxed enough to hit my A-game.

Today, I made a bowstring for a friend, and when I put it on the bow and shot, I found I was hitting one-inch leaves at ten yards! And it was so easy! Granted, that was mostly because it's a recurve with a formed grip and at least ten pounds lighter than I usually shoot, but it was just so much fun!

When I was a child, my dreams were made up of Robin Hood and King Arthur. When Dad and I started shooting longbows, my dreams were made up of ten-rings and bull's eyes. When I joined the SCA, I dreamed of becoming the next William Marshal. And now?

These days, I think my dreams are made up of having fun. I turned 25 yesterday, and it feels different from 24, just like 24 felt different from 23. It's taken me a long time to figure out what I want out of life, and just when I think I've got myself all figured out, I surprise myself one way or another. When one relaxes, he's good. When one has fun, he's even better, and even if he's not, he cares less about it.

I'm not going to give up on the dream of becoming a knight...but I am going to put it on hold for a while; probably a few years. I have decided to pursue even more skill with my bow than I ever thought myself capable of achieving. I have made a reputation for myself as one of the best longbowmen in Gleann Abhann. Now it is time to broaden my scope. I know there are kingdoms I can best, and even if I don't, I'm going to have a ball trying!

I'm not going to give up my dream of a degree. I can't go back to school this semester, but I will next semester, and I will be better. In the meantime, I've re-discovered the lure of acting. Hopefully, I can earn a few extra dollars as an extra in a few things and maybe get my face around to get some exposure and experience.

Eventually, I'll follow my dream of gymnastics, too. I don't want to compete, and I don't even want to accomplish that much, but I do want to learn how to tumble. I've got to get back to TKD, too. My body's in good shape, but it can be better.

All this talk about dreams comes from a lot of things happening in my life, and watching the Olympics contributes, too. They have archery as a sport, and it might still be called archery, but just barely. I want to compete someday with the traditional stuff. Maybe it's possible to beat all those fancy fiberglass recurves with their sights, three-foot stabilizers and carbon arrows with plastic vanes with nothing but a string, two sticks, some feathers, and your own body.

Only one way to find out...